Category: the Rant Board
So, oh lonely-hearted one, you have come upon the Zone and discovered the vibrant social network that it is, and you want to perhaps try to find the love of your life? I offer up this sage advice for your consideration:
1. This perhaps is the only piece of advice you'll need unless you are very serious about this topic. If you are considering dating on the Zone, don't, just don't. No, really, the Singles Spit Swap board exists only as window dressing and should never ever be actually used for its purpose. If you dare advertise your singlehood, some schmuck is going to come along and rain on your parade or somehow wish to tell you who and what you are, even though you never asked their opinion of your character and they actually don't know you from a bowl of cornflakes.
2. If you have ignored point number one, then you are very serious about dating on the Zone and hopefully have at least three suits of armor available to suffer the slings and arrows thrown by people who assume they are far superior to you. Read on, grasshopper, and know true enlightenment.
3. Be normal, and I do mean normal! If you dare admit any even slightly eccentric tendancy, attraction, fetish, kink, or other unconventional aspects of yourself, prepare to be laughed at and pointed to by people who are extremely proud of their blandness and predictability so much that they dare label you as freak or loser.
4. Be extremely good-looking. In this culture that worships youth and celebrity, we have discovered that really, in the end, only people who are most pleasing to the eye, according to society's norms, deserve love. Anyone who shows the least bit of physical blemish, or bears any weight anywhere above the norm, should perhaps consider resigning themselves to be lonely for the rest of their lives.
5. Be outgoing and cool. Nobody likes a geek or an introvert, because if people don't have some group or type of person to hate, their lives are over. So, conform to all trends and fashions, have lots and lots of friends, and don't admit you ever go on the Zone because you're so busy being a multimillionaire.
6. It's really better that you try dating in your local area, no matter how unfriendly the locals seem to be. It's just better, because anyone using personal ads to get dates instead of meeting the old-fashioned way such as in bars or church are just nothing but fat, ugly, lonely, desperate, worthless, stupid little Loosie McLosertons that all should have been aborted to do the universe a favor.
7. Without exception or variation, every last person who uses the internet is bad and is out to get you. Everyone is fake and just wants to use you.
8. Long distance relationships just don't work, because since my friend had a bad experience with one, they're just no good for anybody.
9. Internet relationships are not real, only face-to-face ones are. Keep going to church and trying, even though you get ignored because people don't like you because you weren't born in the area you're living in, or they're just self-involved, or they collectively just don't know how to act around you if you are a blind person. By the way, what are you doing being blind in church. Don't you go there just so that you can be turned into a sighted person so everyone will instantly like you and stuff?Oh, forget it, God just wants you to be lonely I guess.
Maybe some of you dear readers can add more to this.
roflmao. Some of the stuff is really true though. lol
Um, some of it? Minh, live and learn...
In my experience that's also true of society as a whole, as someone with multiple disabilities. However there are exceptions to this rule, even rule 5. *grins*
Godzilla, your satires always amuse me.
You forgot about the bi-polars and multable personalitys. That is totally trig man!
Hmm, I fail to see the satiric asepct of the post. Whereas some of it is true and may be all of it for some people there is no ridicule or sarcasm present in the post that makes it amusing or witty.
I'm not saying it isn't justified or containing a lot of truth, but I dispute the claim that it is a satire.
I know of a lot of successful Zone couples, some married, some with kids, some both, some engaged, so the rest of you just have to either work harder, smarter or have better luck, and I certainly wish the best of luck to all of you.
I'd say it's a satire to comments posted about many of the people advertising on the Spit Swap, for what it's worth. Can't please everybody, though. That's life.
I'd say it's pretty accurate. Scarily so, actually. I wish I could think of something to add, but I can't. I'd say you pretty much covered it.
Hey dude, you feel ok?
Prozak might help.
Uh, do you know any fat ladies with dirty shorts?
Who needs Prozak when you have coffee. As for rotund females with laundry issues, I don't know any, sorry. Were you thinking I could hook you up? Hahahahahaha!
I don't know what you're talking about! I'm a nudist 20 year old morbidly obese hot mama, and I have creamy blue and white eyes to boot!! the men are fighting over this hot ass!!
lol, this scares me. only because I do find some things to be true, while other things aren't.
as mentioned before, I too have seen some zoners in successfull zone couples.
I believe, that if both partisapents of a long distent relationship are both committed to the relationship, they'll find a way to make things work, even though they are apart for some time.
just my thoughts on this...
to each they're own
I have to admit I found this amusing. I do feel sorry, though, for those who advertise on the singles spit swap board. They encounter nothing but ridicule.
Now Bob, I am fat and have lots of dirty shorts. Of course, if you tell anyone I admitted that, I'll come to Texas and kill you. Because I'm really skinny and never wear shorts, or underwear of any kind because I'm so skinny they keep falling off. Depending on who I'm talking too, I have blue/green/brown eyes, am really, really fat/skinny/built like Pamela Anderson, have long/short/blonde/black/brown/red hair, am an extrovert/introvert, have lots of fetishes/no fetishes...
Anyone out there interested?
hahahahaha you all are fucking amazing!